Some Species Are Endangered, and Some…

Good news for the Florida Panther. This species almost went extinct, but it’s now starting to make a comeback. There are about a hundred of them in the Southwestern edge of the Florida Everglades.

Now the bad news: These few remaining Florida Panthers might not survive if they keep losing their habitat. They could be driven to extinction by encroaching hordes of Suburbus Douchebagus, which unfortunately is NOT an endangered species.

The Florida Panther’s habitat is being surrounded by some of the fastest-growing cities and suburbs in the country. This means more encounters between people and panthers. A U.S. Fish and Wildlife biologist says “The way we’re building, we’re going to push the panthers out. My big concern is the panther will become a zoo relic. If we build out even half the potential of what the state says we can, forget about the panthers.”

We’ve all heard about self-absorbed assholes who move next door to a farm and then complain about noises and odors. Now it seems some of their twisted relatives are moving to the edge of a wilderness and then being furious that they might have an encounter with …..drum roll…..a wild animal. DUUUHHH!!!

Newcomers have been warned not to let children and pets outside at twilight. But if the world revolves around you, then that’s not what you want to hear. Barbara Jean Powell, a local “property rights” advocate, said “I personally want humans to stay on top of the food chain.” Let’s see now…six billion people, a hundred panthers — guess who’s on top of the food chain, you stupid shit.

She also said “It’s an assault on rural America to say ‘Don’t let your kids outside at night.’ It’s got no place being here. It’s a dangerous animal.” OK, we’ll just let an endangered species go extinct so you won’t have to suffer any inconvenience. Fuckin’ Pusbucket!! Like the bumpersticker says, “You! Out of the Gene Pool!”

Another local resident came face to face with a panther while she was INSIDE the wildlife refuge. (Did she think she was visiting a theme park???) It came up behind her while she was sitting at a picnic table. She jumped up and waved her arms and it just sauntered off; not scared, not aggressive. But she was shaken up, and she said “We don’t need them here. This animal does not need to be protected anymore.” Or you could just move to an urban environment and get away from all those icky wild animals. Asshole.

Unfortunately the douchebags will probably end up having their way. A local biologist doesn’t have much hope for the panthers’ ultimate survival. “We’ve hit the slippery slope and we’re closing in on the bottom. We’re all getting frustrated with congestion and high cost of housing, but we’ve got to achieve a balance. We simply cannot afford to take over every square foot of Florida and put a house on it.”